I think too much. It is something that I wish I didn’t do and often find myself very upset when I am told this but I do it. My insecurity around it then leads to more thinking and reflecting on why I am this way and the factors that could possibly have led to my desire to over analyze everything. Being analytical has its benefits especially when working in the mental health field and sometimes I feel aligns with my purpose. Being over analytical and critical of myself and circumstances how ever does have its downside as I often tend to create circumstances and scenarios that haven’t happened yet and may never even exist.
I worry too much. Now this may be analyzing a bit but I think I am pretty certain that my worrying comes from my environment. I learned this from my parents, from tragic circumstances such as witnessing those I loved die at such a young age, my peers, the media and… but of course my reproductive condition with ovarian cyst. With all that said and knowing where some of my anxiety comes from I still struggle on a daily basis with the ability to relax. My mind runs constantly as I fight to try to control life. I am constantly thinking two steps ahead of all the potential reactions, outcomes, and expectations that I will encounter on a daily basis before I even plant my two feet onto the floor in order to start my day. As I stated before I am aware as to why I worry now with this acceptance I am trying to find the ability to release this anxiety but in order to do that I must gain a few tools like….patience.
I can be very impatient when it comes to wanting to figure things out. I have to be in the know and struggle with the concept I often tell others” Trust an unknown future to a known God”. The concept is inspiring and often refreshing when my anxiety kicks in and I need to release all the tension it creates in side of me but within an hour or so I am back to questioning instead of existing….
Sometimes I yearn for the ability to just exist and not expect. To be and feel free of all that I hold inside of me. Years of comparing myself to others or struggling to accept myself as the person God has made me have contributed to my resistance to just let go and trust life. I have a huge faith in God and believe that I trust him but my hesitancy to seek support from others at times or to relax my mind can lead to my frustrations with the true desire to trust. It isn’t just God that I am working on trusting but myself….
I have always wanted to matter but never really understood to who or what I wanted to matter to. It wasn’t until about 3 years ago when I lost my ovary that I really felt strongly about being a voice for women with reproductive issues or figuring out what I feel is part of my purpose. My struggle however has been finding the confidence in myself to really figure out how I can advocate for something I care about and being content with me being just me and knowing I am good enough to be the person I hope others can see as inspiring or innovative.
Sometimes I try to push for something to happen the way I want it to instead of letting it manifest into what it is meant to. I often feel like the underdog when it comes to my purpose. This stems from yet again my expectation of what I should accomplish or create or produce when it comes to the desires of my heart instead of what I am meant to not just do but be. Being sounds so simple and so easy and for some it is but for me it can be a little tricky. I have a lot of dreams inside this big head of mine and often worry about how to manifest them. Having a positive mindset is something that I am working on. Not just thinking positive but seeing positivity.
When I look in the mirror I see the anxiety, the worry, the doubt, but I also see strength, beauty, simplicity, and most importantly I see me. Normally I would end my rants or should I say post stating that I am working on figuring things out but right now I am deciding to just flow. Just handle each moment not each circumstance. To curl my feet up and feel the softness of my bed to notice the breath of the dogs sleeping on my lap. Notice the sun hitting my window. Smell the flowers on my table ….it is every moment like grabbing my laptop and sharing these thoughts that help me with allowing things to be put in the atmosphere as I let go and let God manifest…….
A year ago around this time my dream and goal to create a documentary advocating for women’s reproductive issues seemed more tangible as I was more active in trying to pursue my dream. Over the year I have realized with all the changes from my Harlem apartment a new relationship and job I found myself preoccupied with every day life and further remove from not just my passion but my story….I still dont know how to do this and what I am doing but 2014 I vow to step out of fear and doubt and step into my purpose no longer expecting a huge outcome just embracing an opportunity to be able to be me and feel free sharing the things that have shaped me to do this advocacy….
Page 1 of 59